OK, so I have given a rant in a looooooooooong time, so here goes.

I am getting kind of frustrated with myself. I love the fact that I don't care if people like me or not. However, at the same time, I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Kind of hypocritical, huh? Anyway, there's this person that just rubs me the wrong way, but I don't have the heart to tell that person how I'm feeling. It sucks. That's that, now on to another topic.

I had the most amazing experience at Catholic HEART Workcamp in Ohio last week. I met a lot of new people and....I LOST MY ROLLER COASTER VIRGINITY!! W00T!! It was great! I hope to go on more roller coasters now. The actual work part of the work camp was really awesome, too. I loved my workgroup(we all had the same sense of humor, which was great) and we each had our own strengths to contribute to the group. I was also the prayer/share leader during the week, and I feel like I can more readily open a conversation about God and other such topics while still keeping it on track. So, overall, the most awesome week so far this year.

In terms of 4-H, I am kind of sad about that. A very dear leader is going to have to stop leading one of my clubs due to health reasons, so I'm feeling kind of depressed. We're going to have a farewell party for her, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to see some of her afterwards.

Now, here's a philosophical discussion/question:

What does it take for a person to be considered a friend? I presented this question to some people and they could only answer with "I don't know." I then started to really think about it and looked over a note a friend put on Facebook about friends coming and going throughout life, to see if there was anything there that could help me out. That mission failed, in some regards. Yes, people come into our lives for a reason and then go or stay, depending on the circumstances and God's plan. However, what makes those people who come into our lives fall into the category of "friends"? I feel like most people I know are "friends" but they fall into different categories of "friends." Some friends I will tell everything and anything to, while some, I keep stuff to myself. So, world, please help me in my search for what qualifies a person as a friend.

Laterz,
Renwen

Now I do feel really depressed. Today was my last day in Radiology for my clinical rotations. Oh well, I think I might go back there for my month observation....of course, I'll probably be saying that about every place I go to until these next four weeks are over. Next week, I observe physical therapy. This one I have been big on for quite a while, so we'll see how I feel about it. Tomorrow, I'm back in the hospital for the Athletic Heart Scan. I've been at the hospital(outside of the classroom) so much this week, I feel like it's my second home. Woohoo!! I love my Health Occupations class. This is the best thing I could have ever done.

Oh dear....I feel, kind of depressed for some reason. I just feel like I'm on a totally different track than the rest of the people in my world. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm just realizing that I don't want what I thought I wanted for the past 2 yrs, or it might be that I'm just realizing I need to stop trying out what other people are doing and just make my own path.

I've decided(for the moment) to go into radiology as my career. I would go to Parkland for two yrs, live at Newman, then possibly specialize in nuclear medicine or some other sort of specific area. Very easy, I would be done in 3-4 yrs, I would be able to get a good paying job, with little to no debt. If I did physical therapy, I would be in college for 5-6 yrs, I would still get the good paying job, but I would be in a bucketload of debt which is something I quite honestly don't want to deal with. Oh geez, I can't believe I'm making this decision! When did I become an adult??

On the terms of relationships....I'm just saying to heck with it for the moment. Right now, I have more important things. Guys have rarely been interested in me like that, so I'm just gonna say screw it all and if some guy actually wants to try to catch me, then he better have a lifetime supply of running shoes, 'cause he's gonna need 'em.(this is something someone said to my piano teacher, which I believe applies to her as well as me) Also, to two of my best friends(one for the guys, the other for girls), congrats on finally coming out with it!(Now I don't have to cancel the wedding plans) Anyway, with me, if guy wants me, he will most likely know where I am and how to get a hold of me, so let him try to follow me. If he can't, tough luck and pull yourself to the side of the road so another guy doesn't trip on you.

I said in the above paragraph I have more important things than guys to think about. This is going to come as a shocker to a lot of people, but I believe I need to just stop thinking about guys and concentrate solely on what makes *me* happy. Thinking about guys makes me depressed and causes me to think no one in the world loves me and blah blah blah blah. So, let's see if I can stop thinking about guys. Oh boy, this'll be great! Anyway, I realize I need to concentrate on my schooling instead of guys. A guy will find me when I'm ready for the guy, so I just forget about it and do my own thing.

Ok, done ranting, see ya laterz!

Renwen

January, 2010. My first post of the new year. Short, sweet and to the point.

I am soooo excited! I was looking on my homeschool curriculum's message board and I felt this sudden rush of joy as I clicked on "English 11 & 12" because I will be a senior this fall!! I WILL BE DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER!! Well, at least until my kids(future) are in high school. I'm also excited that Lakeland will be starting up soon. I love going there. It gives me a chance to get out and be with a bunch of people. One meets a lot of interesting people in the community college area. A lot of cute males as well.

Philo. Thought:

Why should we just like moments, music, general innocent pleasures in life instead of embracing them with as much as gusto as we can?

Oh my, when I last posted...I don't remember. I will say I have changed some. I guess you could say I'm more mature than I used to be...to some extent. I am sitting here and watching my friends as they go through life, thinking that I will have to be there some day. That some day has turned into today. I have just realized that this summer I'll be taking pictures for my last year of high school. I have been dreaming of this moment for a long time and now I'm wondering where the time went. Before I know it, I'll be packing up for college and moving out. It makes me think of this one country song where one of the lyrics is "You'll wish it hadn't gone by so fast." I look back on my past few years of life and realize that I really don't wish it hadn't gone by so fast. Maybe I'm weird in thinking that, maybe I'm not.

College is, like I said, soon on the horizon. I'm starting to pick them out and decide which one I want. SIU is pretty cool, but the smaller price tag of the community college is beckoning to me. I will just have to cross that bridge when the time comes.
I will be a CNA by the beginning of summer this coming year, so hello job that pays well. I love working with the people in a hospital, as well as the hustle and bustle. It keeps me from getting bored. The nursing home, however, has that lovely atmosphere that makes me think I might work there. We'll see...I'll keep that updated.
School at the community college is going well so far. I managed to pass my first college semester, so I hope to keep that going. A new semester will start in January, as will new adventures and opportunities for me. The home-schooling stuff isn't too bad either, so I feel pretty confident in everything regarding my education.

I do believe that is it, for now. Another post on some other things will appear within the next few days, so keep reading!
Cheerio!

Renwen

My month of June seems to be getting shorter and shorter, quicker and quicker! I can't believe a whole week has gone by...I still have so much to do and so much to get ready for. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it all, but a few pills and some cocktails might help a bit. Just kidding! I also seem to be losing my head when it comes to scheduling things. I used to think that my life, compared to some, was quite relaxed and flexible. Now, it seems like my list just keeps getting longer and longer, then I look farther ahead and realize that it will just keeping piling up. Of course, when I reach that point, I sit back, put away the calendar, and just breathe. Also, heading to church or just taking a few moments to realize it's just a grain of sand in a vast beach helps quite a bit. Then, I grab the calendar, think "It can be scheduled in a way to fit together and I WILL get this all done," and start scheduling. Sometimes I feel like Mo from WALL-E. The little guy keeps cleaning and cleaning but he can never seem to catch up with it all. Yet, even in what seems like an insurmountable task, he just keeps going and going like the Energizer Bunny. Maybe I should take a cue from them both...

On a different topic, I believe I need to understand and execute the word "no." I believe the reason most people always say "yes" when they are adults is because they spent most of their early developmental stages saying "no." Babies learn to say "no" as soon as they learn "mama" and "dada." So, in order to compensate for the over indulgence of "no's" in my childhood, I end up saying "yes" to everything. Yes to planning the meeting, yes to playing at this place, yes to working this function, yes to doing this, yes to going here, yes to making that, yes yes yes yes! AAA!! Someone help me before I explode with yes!! "No" has to be the shortest word with the most meaning to it in the entire dictionary. I also have this little thing called guilt come in when I say the word "no." It's like I'm taking the person's heart out and crushing it! I guess I just need to come to terms with that guilt and suck it up a lil, huh? Guess it also comes down to moderation...kind of like in shopping, you have to practice moderation. Instead of buying what you think is cute and looks good with a lot of outfits, just buy what you came for, wait a little while, then go and get the cute thing you wanted so badly. Ah, I do believe I understand the meaning of "no" now.

That's all, folks!

Renwen

OK, this note's for the girls tonight.

What makes a guy try to win a girl who is already taken? Here we have the guy who's nickname could be "desperado." He finds a girl who is perfect in every single way imaginable...but she likes someone else. Desperado talks to the knight in shining armour(guy the girl likes) and gets a slight idea of how shiny the knight's armour really is. He then thinks "Ok, if I show her how shiny my armour is, maybe she'll choose me over him." This is followed by Desperado doing everything and anything imaginable to get the gal's attention. There are two choices at this point, girls: a) ignore it or b) acknowledge it but say it still doesn't change your mind. Choice A is sometimes the easier route to go. Eventually the guy will get tired and just go to another girl. Sometimes, however, the guy just tries even harder which means you should go on to Choice B. Say "Ok, that's cool, but it still doesn't change my mind. I would love to have you as a friend, but this is just going to far. I've told you countless times that it isn't working, but you refuse to listen. If you continue this, there will be consequences." This sounds harsh, yes, but sometimes, this is the only way to get through to the guy. Then, if worse comes to worst, just tell the guy that this is making him even less attractive. Again, sounds harsh, but, in the end, when he looks back, he will most likely thank you for being the girl to give him a good smack in the right direction.


Author's Note: If you do try this and it doesn't work, DO NOT SUE ME! These are my own thoughts and opinions, not a definite plan to get rid of the annoying guy in your life.

Renwen

How, when, where, and why?

OK ok ok...all I can say is I have been butt lazy. I had plenty of chances to post, and I never did. My apologies. Moving on....

Music has been keeping me on my toes. I am trying to overcome the "mountain" of expression. When it comes to expressing my music, I feel like I'm in my birthday suit. Not cool. But, hey, so what. I might as well just get over it...psh, easier said than done. My recital piece is a lot of fun however. The notes aren't very interesting, but I find I'm enjoying it because it means that I HAVE to express it, otherwise my audience will drop in a dead sleep...don't want that. So, basically, I get to make a soap opera. I love my music.

School...oh where would we be without it? I am still plugging away at it. I have a busy summer lined up already, so I need to get done before June or hopefully in the middle of June. Speaking of a busy summer....

OK, in the month of July, I am literally swamped. The only week I have free in July is the week of the 4th...that's it. My second week is taken up with the 4-H County Fair. The third week consists of doing a guitar camp. My fourth will hopefully be spent in Wisconsin doing a Catholic youth camp. Oh yah, to make matters even better, I need to get $185 if I want to attend the camps. Then, it's August and I'm starting Lakeland Comm. college and my jr. yr of high school. Oh boy....

Also, as a sidenote...I have, in the past, talked about an offer I received of becoming a computer programmer of sorts. I do believe that I would love to do that. I would learn something that would benefit me in the long run and I would get better pay for it than making sandwiches(no offense to my dear sister). But, we'll see how that goes. Still need to pray about that.

Oh, and this is a little something for a certain someone...it's one of my favorite songs, and I hope this gives you the little pick-me-up that you need. Love ya, girl! :-D

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place - "Stand" by Rascal Flatts

Hmm...it's so weird how for some, life seems to be passing by in a slow motion, while others seem to be stuck on the fast track.

For those in slow mo, it's kind of nice, isn't it? You can just watch others go by. Almost like your own movie. You can learn from them and their mistakes. On the down side, you also feel the slight jealousy that they are growing up ahead of you. That you are no longer on the same route. That should subside at some point.

Now, for those on the fast track...wanna grab the reins and pull the horse back a bit, huh? Well, I would like to say that you can do that, but I'm sorry. This horse you'll just have to grab on to and let it ride itself out. Eventually it'll get tired....and then before you know it...it's just plodding along.

So, at the moment, for those on the slow mo, it will speed up. You'll prolly fall flat on your butt when it does. Those on the fast track...all I can say is just enjoy the ride.

Laterz!

Renwen

A List?

A friend of mine was talking to me about lists...for what a guy should have if he wants me to consider him. Well, friend, here it is.

Centered on God

Fun, random, ready to do things at a moment's notice

Willing to listen, respect, and consider my opinion

Willing to let me do things on my own

Good with kids and not afraid to admit or show that he loves his family

Willing to put up with my personality

Has loads of patience

Loves animals

Loves music

Laterz!

Renwen

Being Yourself

Just be yourself. What is the meaning of that phrase? How can one be himself when one is influenced by experiences and people? One does not know right away how to act, how to speak, how to do things. One looks around, sees what others are doing, and tries to copy what they are doing. What I'm trying to say is, how can someone be himself when everything about him is influenced by those around him? A person is one being, yes, but as a baby, one looks up to parents or siblings or both. One's actions are influenced by family and friends. So, what does being yourself truly mean?

Laterz!

Renwen

Blah...

My philo. notes are not mentally inspiring. I just feel mentally tired. I have nothing interesting. I do believe that this is my most boring post. I shall do better tomorrow.

Laterz!

Renwen

A Compliment to the Sexes

Here's a long awaited, albeit short, philo. note.

For the past few days, I have been pondering a question. Why does a compliment from a person of the same sex seem to be more light-hearted, while the same compliment from a person of the opposite sex is taken to heart? It seems that this phenomenon can be traced back to one person: God. In His infinite wisdom, He planned every minute detail of man's and woman's relationships. I know, that at times, when one looks at the personality of man and the personality of woman, one thinks God must've been having a fit of hysterics as He planned this all out. I can be included in this bunch. However, man was made specifically for woman and vice versa. Thus, when a person of one sex receives a compliment from the opposite sex, it is taken to heart because that is simply how we are wired.

Laterz!

Renwen

Happy Holidays??

Is it just me, or do other people also feel the icy cold chill of fear when they hear the phrase "Happy Holidays"? How can you say "Happy Holidays" when one is trying to write Christmas cards, make gifts, wrap gifts, buy other gifts, work on music for a performance AND help decorate for Christmas??? Oh yah, we're also supposed to focus on Advent too....*looks at schedule* *looks up toward the Heavens* "Ok, God, I can fit you in at 10:05 PM, but you gotta be outta here by 10:15 'cause I got a bucketload of stuff to do!" *thunder rumbles* "Ok ok ok, 10:17?" *thunder rumbles again, louder this time* "ALRIGHT! 10:20, but NO LATER! And if you even THINK about sending down that bolt of lightening....*glares*" *thunder rolls gently*



The above is comical, I'll admit, but it is also quite true in many cases. People get so overwhelmed by the gifts, the cards, the parties, the glitz and glam of the holidays, that they forget why we even have Christmas in the first place. For the majority of kids, it's a day that they get boxes of toys from relatives and Santa. For the adults, it's a time to throw parties and have fun with their closest friends, which includes poppin' some bubbly. If you ask kids what Christmas is about, they will most likely say one of two things: toys or toys. The adults would most likely answer: spending time with family. Now, neither of these answers are bad, but they also aren't that good. Christmas is a time of giving and receiving, spending time with those you love most, but it is also a time of shedding the old and bringing in the new. That is the most cliched saying known to man, but it's actually quite true. Yes, friends, Christmas can be about the glitz and glam, but after the parties and toys, what's left? Memories, yes, but even those fade with time. Why not try to focus on the God portion of Christmas? This is one part of Christmas that won't fade. It just keeps giving and giving all year long. So, pop some bubbly and let the kids play with the toys, but take some time to meditate and remember that Christmas is about Christ.

Laterz!

Renwen

Double or Triple Life

Tonight's post is going to be on the tangent of society and the fear of people's opinions. Hope you enjoy!

Have you ever felt like you have been leading a double, or at times triple, life? You are one way with these people, this way with those people, and that way with these people. Or, you are always the first person to offer help, always smiling even when you are...let's say, extremely irritated with the world, always helping even when it makes you late, behind, or in a sticky situation. However, on the inside you are griping and groaning, wondering why this person can't do anything on their own, why any of this matters, etc. What I'm trying to say is, why is it so hard to match the inside with the outside? Are we afraid of being scorned for suddenly showing what we truly feel? Is it the fact that we are trying so hard to live up to the expectations of friends, family, co-workers, etc., that we sacrifice ourselves in the process? Why do we let ourselves be a mannequin of happiness? We aren't made of foam or plastic. We are humans! We are meant to feel anger, jealousy, love, happiness, sadness, etc. So, once again, why do we cover up our true feelings? This can be summed up in one phrase: fear of people's opinions. We are afraid to show love because of the possibility that we will be denied. We are afraid to show jealousy because we do not want to be thought of as a hateful person. We are afraid to show anger because we do not want those closest to us be afraid of us. We are afraid to show sadness because we do not want to be thought of as weak. Everything is covered, besides happiness, due to fear of other people. Why should we let the opinions of others stop us from being human? Are we suddenly animals, with only instinct to guide us? No! Now, I am not saying that every time you feel angry you should go up to the person that you are angry with and just start beating him up. Rather, I am saying that you should be able to say to that person "I am quite mad with you. I am mad because of (insert reason(s) here)." You should be able to do this without fear of having the other person walk away. Society has made us believe that we must conform to what the majority wants. This, my friends, is not what was ever planned when the American society was born. Freedom to express oneself is what America was all about. Now, America is about keeping everything in perfect order...everything the same. Should we really continue like this or should we break away from the norm?

Laterz!

Renwen

Mental anguish >.<

Ok everyone, tonight is just gonna be a philo. note.....one loooooong philo. note. I know have been going on a "being true to oneself" tangent, but for tonight, I'm gonna veer off into a totally different tangent....the area of relationships. I have had a headful of info from both other people and just my own stuff, so I needed to clear my head. Hopefully, this will help me and those of you who read this stuff. Note: This isn't really a "food for thought" philo. note, it's more of a "sorting things out that are racing in my head" philo. note. I still hope you get something out of this.



Have you ever met or known someone for a really long time? Like say....9+ yrs? You and that person are quite comfortable with each other. You can just stand in total, complete, utter silence and still feel as if nothing is wrong. You feel safe, warm, comforted, happy....you don't feel afraid to say anything to that person because you know that person will not judge you or say anything negative to you because that person has been in the same situation. Now....what if you don't want these feelings? What if, with this person, you don't want more than friendship? What do you do? Do you just live with these feelings? There are, it seems, to be only three routes to go here.
Route 1: Take the person aside and tell them everything, then go onto the next step.
Route 2: Don't say anything and let everything go on as normal.
Route 3: Tell them everything, but try to keep a facade of normalcy.
Let's now examine each route.


Route 1


Ok, so you tell the person everything, and you decide to go onto the next step. This is exactly what you didn't want, and you are also now stuck here unless one of you breaks the other person's heart. Sticky situation. If you are in high school, you are still maturing. A relationship takes time and effort. Generally, those who were high school sweethearts do not get married. In my personal opinion, this is because they never had the time nor the maturity to nurture a strong bond. High school, be you freshman, sophomore, jr or sr, is full of decision-making and maturing. Having to keep up with school, work(for those who have to pay their own way to college or who just want some extra dough), deciding where to go for college, extracurricular activities, keeping up with family...add a relationship on top of that and the stress level has skyrocketed. Also, a person is not fully developed, mentally, until their early 20s.

Route 3

This is being discussed next because it has the same theme as Route 1. Trying to keep a facade of normalcy is hard to do. I mean, once these feelings are out in the open, how do you go back to what was "normal"? The whole dynamic of the two of you has changed because, with the feelings out there, the rules of the game have changed. This also clouds the mind in making important decisions. (Note: the rest of "Route 3" examination is my sole opinion, and is not endorsed by any medical facility or doctor.) People who choose this route tend to either a) become morbid b) alternate between happy and morbid or c) just reclude into themselves. Letter a) is heart wrenching for everyone to watch because they want to help the morbid person get out of their morbidness. Letter b) can be dangerous because the toxins of the brain that release in moods of happiness and morbidness can quite easily clash, generally turning this person into a psychopath. Letter c) is even more dangerous because the person is so recluded into himself that he can no longer function properly. Either way, this route will generally cause pain on one or both sides.


Route 2


Ahhh...Route 2 is, it seems, the least of the three evils. First off, neither side has to worry about breaking the other side's heart. What you don't know can't hurt you. Secondly, if one realizes that this is just a blown up crush, there is not as much heartbreak, or there is none at all. For the one who is still "in love" it is easier to move on when he realizes that the other person is truly happy. For the one who was doing the crushing...this is just a memory and this person can still have a pretty good friendship with the other person.


Laterz!

Renwen

Construction zone: Hard hats must be worn

The above is what should be put over my brain right now. I was gonna do a nice philo. note....but that shall be done tomorrow night. Sorry everyone. Also, a tell -all of what happened with my bowling party will be coming in the week.

Laterz!

Renwen

Christmas cards, gifts, etc.

I am done with my Christmas cards!! :-D There were just four of 'em, but when one is making them herself...four can be quite a large number. :P Now, it's just wrapping those darned gifts....*mutters*

I went to a party last night...the annual 4-H County-wide Christmas party to be exact. I taught the 4-Hers that were there the wonderful game of Scream 'n Die. :-D We had fun doing that.

Today, I go to another party. This time with my high school religion class. We'll go bowling and then eat out. Can't wait to do that! :-D

And here's another philosophical note for you people to ponder over...
Say a person is always bubbly...always the crazy one, always the one who tries the hardest to lighten the mood, always the one who looks at life like it's just one big adventure, etc. This person has been like this since who knows when...Now, what if this person is doing this to stop those closest from getting too close? What if this person is doing this to, just for a small moment in time, stop the pain and feel happy again? Is this person being true to who he is?

Just fyi, I plan to hopefully have a philosophical note on every post, and for right now, it'll be of a being true to oneself theme. So, be prepared for one heck of a rough ride.

Laterz!

Renwen

Nothing too much...

I spent about 40 min last night chewing out a group of purple belts. We have testing on Monday and everything they were doing was lousy! Stances, reaction force, focus....lousy lousy lousy! So, I got to nitpick 'em within an inch of their lives. Ahhhh...the sweet evil bliss of being a black belt.



I'm looking forward to the end of the month....somewhat. :P I'll get to spend an entire day with three people that I enjoy hanging out with, and then I get to meet a new person....scary(for them, not me ;-)). I have finally figured out a creative way to present their gifts to them for Christmas. Hopefully they won't figure it out too quickly.



On the school front...nothing much to report. I got an A on a paragraph that I had to write on a book that I read. Still need to take the test on that same book. So, for now, I'm pretty much just taking every day one at a time. It turns out that it's easier that way.



On the 22nd, I'll be performing on piano for the senior center here in town. I have about...14-15 songs planned, but I may need to drop it down to 12-13. I'm having trouble getting a few of the Christmas songs down. Also, trying to practice piano with a 2 yr old who is always saying "I play the piano w/ Renwen" is a lil difficult, particularly when the 2 yr old says it with a gigantic grin on his face. :P But, I believe that I shall make it through. If I fail...well, that's the worst that could happen. If I don't....hey, I'm set for life. ;-)




Philosophical Note:
Ok, here's something I would like to present to you ppls who read my blog...say you are a person who feels confident in himself, but has the...weakness(?) of trying to make everyone happy, no matter what. Other people tease the person a lot, but he rarely speaks out because he knows that they don't mean it...the only time he asks them to stop is if it just got to the point that he could barely control the rage. They are just having some fun, right? Does doing this mean that he doesn't have confidence in himself?
Also...a friend of yours has known you for quite a few years and has yet to run screaming in utter horror. This person must obviously a) think you are a wonderful person and b) like you to some extent. What if, even when you know all this, you still have this creeping doubt in your mind that this is too good to be true? That this person is just putting up with you because he feels pity for you? Is this another case of lacking self-confidence?


This is all I've got...Laterz!

Renwen

Sorry, everyone

I just haven't had anything exciting happen to me for the past few days, so there hasn't been much to post about. This one will be quick and to the point.

School is same old same old. I just came to the realization tonight that next year, I'll be going to my local community college for a class, keeping up with Seton and working, as well as doing piano and guitar. What happened to my life?

Oh yah, I have finally succeeded in getting under my friend's skin. Go me! :-D

Nothing else...Laterz!

Renwen